He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
Randomize
