she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
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