So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
Randomize
