glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
