Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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