i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I booty called her while she was in labor.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Randomize
