Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
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