you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
