I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Randomize
