I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
