You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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