good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize