Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
he thought i was a dude.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
