If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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