Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
