I hate your face
Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Randomize
