there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Randomize
