My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize