I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
