I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
