how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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