I wish I could punch you in the face.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
Randomize
