I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
