Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Who put my cat in the fridge?
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
