I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
