my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
Randomize
