totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Randomize
