hahahahahahhahahahaha. 26, Dominican, has a funny accent, thinks I'm hot. Tots boning.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
zippers are such a cool invention
I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
