My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
