im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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