She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
