There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
