dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
