I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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