You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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