We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
