my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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