I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
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