He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
