just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
