i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
Randomize
