I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
