drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
Randomize
