I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
Randomize
