need another drink. this is the easiest way
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
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