And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
