I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
