she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
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