She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Randomize
