It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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