I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
