i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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