anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
