Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
