Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Randomize
