Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
