U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Randomize
