I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
