Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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