dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize
