end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Randomize
