shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Oh well. haha. i couldn't really understand what she was saying. i just nodded a lot. i guesss she found that sexy.
gotta love spring break
gotta love slutty girls from the south
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
Randomize
